Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
