it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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