I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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