By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
