it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
