I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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