I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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