Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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