I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
