remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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