Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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