I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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