Please, let me fuck your mom
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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