i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
