Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
