When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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