I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
it was like eating out sand paper
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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