One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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