Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
