My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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