As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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