Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
