so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
