I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
not ubering you a puppy
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
