I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
