I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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