he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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