im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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