It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
