watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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