I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Small penises have feelings too.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
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I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
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I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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