This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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