but the lizard people decide everything anyway
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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