I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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