I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
