the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
