I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
