matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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