rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
