He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
