Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
