I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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