I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
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Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
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Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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