get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
