my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
