the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
