My liver just broke up with me...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
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Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
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she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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