why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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