Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
