How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
