Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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