So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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