fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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