I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
