We won't sleep together?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
