Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
