I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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