I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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